Did you watch Meredith Vieira last Monday when she
talked about an abusive relationship in her younger years? A woman this well
know stepping up to share #WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft puts more focus on an issue
that has long been in the closet needs to come out. Her sharing also brought
back memories of my experience.
I married young the first time, and went from my
parents’ rules to those of my new husband. At first the ‘do this’ and ‘do that’
wasn’t’ too bad. I’d been used to a lot more rigged demands. After all, he was
military and was used to things being done a certain way. So what if he
discovered an example of my first attempts at writing a book and laughed. All
that meant was I sucked. The manuscript ended up in the trash and the love of
writing became more focused on reading books by those who could tell a story.
Several years and two children later things were
rocky. The first time he hit me was while stopped for a traffic light he
yelled, “shut the f***” up.” I’d heard those words before, but not the slap
that followed. Shocked, I huddled against my door and worked to stop the blood
flowing from my nose.
The next morning my neighbor and best friend called
and told me to come over for coffee. I hesitated, but put extra makeup on the
bruised side of my face and forced a smile when I entered her house. She looked at me and asked, "What the hell happened to you?”
My efforts to cover up the bruising hadn’t worked. I
broke down and told her what happened. She encouraged me to leave, but where
would I go? My family couldn’t afford to support us and my job skills were
‘homemaker’ and according to my husband, not a very good one. “He apologized
and promised not to hit me again,” I told her. (He had apologized and promised never again.)
He kept the promise too, until a few weeks later when he came home
late and drunk. His cold dinner didn’t set well and that led to an argument…and
another slap.
This time I wasn’t stunned and stood my ground. I
picked up the cast iron skillet setting on top of the stove and waved it at
him. “You ever lay another hand on me and you’ll regret it.”
His response—laughter and pointing out he could take
the skillet since he was bigger and stronger.
“Yes, but you have to sleep at some point.” Maybe it
was the implied threat, or he saw the determination in my eyes and knew I meant
what I said, but he turned and went to bed.
No, he never hit me physically again, but he did
continue the hurtful comments. They eventually included the kids. Foolish ME
still worked to save the marriage for the sake of the children. Then one day
after he had a nastier than usual tirade, my little girl burst into tears and
screamed at me, “Why do you make us live like this?” I knew then we had to get
out. At that time we lived in a foreign country, but with the transfer back to
the states we ended up close to the city where my best friend lived, and thankfully,
I knew people in the community who helped in my job search.
Fortunately, I did get a job even without a college
degree, and we got by. And yes, I’m glad I left. In fact, I wish I’d left
sooner. I did manage to get counseling for myself and the children. We made it
through to a bright life.
That was a lot of years ago and I remarried. That
one ended in my husband passing, but he never raised a hand to me.
The children from my first marriage are now adults
and have families of their own. Watching them interact with their spouses makes
me proud. They disagree at times, but there is give and take, just like I have
in my third marriage. As my daughter said at our reception, “Mom, I think you
got it right this time.”
Have you been in an abusive relationship, or know others
who have? How did you, or they get out? If not, reach out to a
women’s center in your area. Don’t stay because he promises to change even
though you love him. Unless he is willing to seek help, change isn’t going to
happen.
And if you can't find the information you need, check this list of organizations that can direct you to someone. http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Domestic-Violence-Organizations-Where-to-Get-Help
#WhyIStayed #WhyILeft #FindHelp
